Oscar numbers: Why were they so crappy?

The Oscars might have been Boomtown for Parasite, but it wasn't Boomtown for ABC, who saw the ceremony fall to the lowest ratings in its 89-year history.

Here are some reasons why:

1) No host 

In attempt to be 'woke' (it's a new-fangled word that I don't think I understand) and stop someone getting offended in this ultra-offended world we live in, the Oscars decided not to have a host. Kevin Hart wrote some homophobic tweets back in the day that quite rightly got him booted. So why not get someone else? It's not like Hollywood didn't have enough people who would have drooled at the chance to make it. Such is the way that Hollywood blackens the name of someone who has written an offensive tweet four hundred years ago, Kevin Hart will never host an Oscars again (thank God they let him back for Jumanji: The Next Level).

The Golden Globes attendees might have been shocked by Ricky Gervais' monologue at this year's celebrations, but it was funny. In most circles, they can't tell you who won for Best Picture, but by God, they can tell you about that bloke from the British Office telling people in Hollywood what pretentious dickheads they were. 

It was a boon for NBC and Youtube (and the ceremony itself), who saw 14.2 million people watch it, 458,000 'like it', and many more shared it.

If you haven't seen it, do. If you have seen it, see it again.

2) There are no movies that actual fans cared about. 

Out of all five major categories (the four actor/actress categories and 'Best Picture'), there was only one monster box office hit: Joker, starring Joaquin Phoenix (he won for it), which made $1 billion worldwide. In a world where popcorn movies are all-important to the studios, none of the Best Picture films were 'popcorn films'. I mean, 1917 beat its budget by some distance, but we're not talking Avengers:Endgame-box-office-monster.
Here's the fact: The plaudits don't pay much. The big box-office movies do. Just ask Tom Cruise or The Rock, who made an excellent speech at the Razzies for the terrible-but-awesomely watchable 'Baywatch).
Listen, I loved Laura Dern in the heartbreaking 'Marriage Story', but she's still the lady from 'Jurassic Park' to me. And Adam Driver's still Kylo-Ren from Star Wars.

I'm not saying we go all out on this and make this the People's Choice Awards, but let's not deny the fact that if 'Joker' or 'Avengers: Endgame' had been nominated for Best Picture, it would have attracted an alternative audience for ABC.

3) It went on too damned long

The running time for this year's Oscars was three hours. Since it's on a Sunday night, added to the the fact that this generation not only doesn't care about the Oscars nor has the length of concentration to watch it, but prefers other mediums (Twitter etc (like I did), things make it hard. Also, the actors' winning Oscar speeches go on too long, in people's eyes. Go on, get the award, nod, say thank you, and thank everyone on Instagram or a tweet, which will then be sent around and everyone will tell you what a good person you are, instead of going on a rambling speech for 45 mins about cow's milk, which will make for some good online fodder but add to the time. The 1929 first show lasted for 15 minutes. All we're asking is for 2 hours. You don't have to reduce all the categories to get the show moving, but you can make sure that everyone gets on with it a little. Plus, all the Hollywood people want to backslap each other/get drunk/ do vast amounts of cocaine at the Vanity Fair party.

4) Hollywood isn't funny

Alongside the speech, there's a general impression that the actors and actresses who try and 'use their power' for good are up their own behinds. I mean, it's fun getting 'Brad' to talk politics, but he's making a movie. Let him talk about such things on social media. That's where the big money is. Or a Netflix documentary. Or a brilliant turn in 'The Big Short'. People want things short, sharp, quotable, and preferably funny. If all Hollywood can do is two people showing up dressed as Cats to give an Oscar, then Hollywood's got problems.

5) Hollywood's seen as being up it's own a**. 

The critics and Award winners want to talk about their 'craft' and then implore you to stop [add cause here], but it's becoming irrelevant. No-one who we noticed in the Oscar speeches talked about legitimately having fun, apart from Parasite's director who said that he plans to get wasted after the film's 4 wins, including Best Picture.
Hollywood does make fun of itself. Then again, no-one makes fun of each other anymore.

And as Ricky Gervais said after the event (to encapsulate what he said): 'Shut Up with the political speeches'. 

And he's right.